Another Blog Pause

It's that time again -- time for another blogging pause here at German Joys, whlie I go off to the International Institute of Sociology conference in Budapest and present a paper.  (Doing all the work to prepare for this has made posting a big sporadic lately, thanks for your understanding.)  Then it's a short stop-over in Slovenia to visit a friend.

I'll try to post a few pictures and impressions from Hungary, but no guarantees.  Regular posting will resume after July 4th.  In the meantime, here's Nona:

For Those About to Nap...

...the Boston Globe explains how to do it best, while citing a study by some German university:

Relish the benefits of a sharper mind, improved accuracy and perception, quicker motor skills, keener coordination, and enhanced mood and memory. Getting even the briefest nap is better than nothing. A 2008 study at the University of Düsseldorf showed that the mere onset of sleep may trigger active memory processes that remain effective even if sleep is limited to only a few minutes. And last year, a British study suggested that just knowing a nap was coming was enough to lower blood pressure.

I'm a firm believer in naps.  In fact, I've been known to take them all day long.

Blog Hiatus Until Next Tuesday

"Blog Hiatus."  God, what an ugly phrase.  Sounds like borborygmus

Anyway, German Joys is taking one until next Tuesday, as its sole content provider resident genius takes a little vacation.  But before I fly off, I'm gonna try to post German Joys' first-ever podcast!  The theme will be 'summer,' and it'll be 99.9% music.  It will also suck, but hey, it's my first try.  Later podcasts will be more elegant.  So keep checking this space!

Least Surprising Drug Busts

An excitable Brit (actually) named Richard Quest is all over CNN International, hosting a pretty useful business-travel show and other specials.  If you've seen the inimitable Quest once, you'll never forget his trademark yowling delivery and bulging forehead veins.  Overall, the impression is of someone trying to sound upbeat and in-control, despite having just had a large object inserted into his rectum.

Now we know where he gets all that energy:

Richard Quest, a reporter and business travel specialist for CNN, is being arraigned today on a misdemeanor charge of drug possession after the authorities said he was found with methamphetamine in Central Park.

Poor guy.  According to the news brief, he "volunteered" to police that he had "meth in his pocket." (Yeah, right).  Let's hope he's able to clear up this misunderstanding, because U.S. law is not indulgent to foreign nationals convicted of drug possession.

Here's a suggestion for foreigner travelers to the US, from a former criminal-defense lawyer [Note: I am no longer a lawyer, and this is not legal advice!]:

First, don't break the law. 

Second, if you're arrested or questioned by police in the United States, follow three rules: (1) behave respectfully and politely toward the police; (2) obey all of their commands, and ask for clarification if you don't understand them; and (3) if they ask you questions, say "I am a national of [your home country] and I would like to invoke my right to consular assistance and speak to an attorney before I answer any questions."  They are required by law to let you get in touch with your consulate and speak to a lawyer.  Always do so before speaking to the police.  Always.

That's been your free piece of non-legal advice for today.

Tiny Hats and Moustaches

This German ad just won some award.  I loved it, but I'm a sucker for anything that involves tiny hats.

Did I mention tiny hats?  And cats?  And pipes?

More from the same crew here:

An In-Store Display...

...that I made a wide berth around:

Boy_man_wurst

Bouphonia on Hitler's Reading Habits

Since we're on the subject of the controversial Austrian statesman, let's turn to the shamefully underpublicized Bouphonia.  One of Bouphonia's specialties is lively dissections of the flaccid and/or mendacious double-talk excreted by certain kinds of (American-style) conservative ideologues.  Here, Bouphonia's anonymous author examines the notion that there's something suspicious about evolution because "the Nazis did indeed take Darwinian science as inspiration":

Hitler did indeed take certain useful elements of his era's "Darwinian science" as inspiration, when he wasn't being equally inspired by Goethe, Herder, Schopenhauer, Fichte, Hans Horbiger, Henry Ford, Karl May, Napoleon, occultism, Christianity, mythology, and anything else that appealed to his magpie mind. In Mein Kampf, he sets forth his method quite clearly:

A man who possesses the art of correct reading will, in studying any book, magazine, or pamphlet, instinctively and immediately perceive everything which in his opinion is worth permanently remembering, either because it is suited to his purpose or generally worth knowing....

What's "generally worth knowing," from the standpoint of a power-hungry ideologue, is precisely that which serves the purpose of gaining and maintaining power. It's immaterial whether Jesus died on the cross or not, so long as you can score political points by blaming the Jews for it.

If he were alive today, Hitler might well embrace Intelligent Design; it's by no means incompatible with pseudoscientific racism, it's vague enough to leave room for Odin as well as YHWH, and it's prone to a type of wishful thinking and paranoia that could easily have resonated with his own (if we weren't intended by some supernatural intelligence to discriminate against the Jews, how come they were designed to look Jewish?).

Current scientific thinking on race wouldn't be any more suited to Hitler's purpose than it is to, say, Charles Murray's; as manufactured anti-elitist causes go, ID would probably have been at least as useful as Horbiger's Welteislehre was in its day. This idle speculation aside, it's clear enough that Hitler had little interest in any scientific theory (or historical account, or philosophy, or religious dogma, or art) that he couldn't use to prop up opinions he'd already formed.

Back in a Berlin Minute

I'm in Berlin now, wandering about aimlessly, enjoying the post-consciousness-raising high.  Posting will resume sometime tomorrowish, and will include 'romantic' pictures of Berlin and a review of the Volksbuehne's new production, "Fuck off, America".  Thanks for your patience.

Evil Re-Branded

I don't know about you, but I always found Peter Cushing scarier than Darth Vader. (Sorry, only in German.)

[For the non-German-Enabled™, the dubbing turns this into a debate about whether the Death Star should improving its 'branding' by adopting viral marketing.  Plus, they're doing it in a much-mocked regional accent.  I know, that doesn't really help.  So learn German already -- All the cool kids are doin' it.]

A Luxury Coupe and Garbage Clowns

I admit it, I got nothin' today.  Plus, a relative's coming to visit tomorrow, so I probably won't have nuthin' until next Monday.  Thank you for your understanding.

To tide you over, some photos from around town.  First, a luxurious coupe to which somebody has pasted a picture of a woman using an antiquated weight-loss device:

My_ride

Second, the slightly creepy billboard currently posted on the side of trash trucks in Duesseldorf.  Note the Denglish at the lower-right-hand corner:

Trash_clown_2

Bulgarian Folk Traditions, Part II

A martenitsa, worn on the shapely wrist of a Bulgarian friend of mine.  Like most Bulgarians, she's been wearing it since March 1, and will put it on the first blooming tree she sees:

Martinitsa_2

Wikipedia drops knowledge on Martenitsas:

This is an old pagan tradition and remains almost unchanged today. ... Many people wear more than one martenitsa. They receive them as presents from relatives, close friends and colleagues. Martenitsa is usually worn pinned on the clothes, near the collar, or tied around the wrist. The tradition calls for wearing the martenitsa until the person sees a stork or a blooming flower.

So, the next time you're walking through a park in Germany, look closely at the trees that tend to bloom early.  If you see martenitsa on them (and you will, if you look), you'll know there are Bulgarians in your midst.  It's a nice feeling!

Another Wonderful Year, Josefina!

If you're like me, you spend a lot of time worrying about issues of fundamental social justice -- such as whether gender-insecure Goldman Sachs bankers are being unjustly forced to spend their $600,000 year-end bonuses to pay for their own sex-change surgery. I can now report that the answer to that question is no, according to the New York Times Dealbook section:

Fortune.com reported Friday that Goldman added coverage of sex-reassignment surgery to its medical plan last year....  Goldman employees can undergo the procedure, which normally costs anywhere from $5,000 to $150,000, and have it paid for entirely by their medical insurance.

And Germany being the kind of open and tolerant place it is, how could Deutsche Bank not join up?

Goldman isn’t the first financial firm to cover sex-change surgery for its workers....  Bank of America, Wachovia and Deutsche Bank are among the firms who now cover such treatments to some extent, Fortune.com said.

On a related note, for you German grammar fans, here is the picture you see on the front page of the Deutsche Bank website right now:

Ackermann

Shouldn't there be a "davor" in the sentence about Ackermann's guest article in Die Welt?   

5000 Years of Middle East History...

...in 90 seconds [h/t SK].

'Toilets': A Place for Eating

Spotted at a highway rest stop in Belgium:

Toilets

Mathematician's Favorite Number

I heard a interview with Günter Ziegler, professor at the TU Berlin and President of the German Mathematics Association, this morning on the radio.  The interviewer, the silky-named Liane von Billerbeck, asked him what his favorite number was.  Even if you can't read the interview, you probably won't be surprised to learn that it was...42.

O Magnum Mysterium

When it comes to organized religions, my motto is 'if I get a good pitch, I'll swing'.  I do spend a lot of time in churches, though, because that's where the sublimity is. 

So, in honor of Christmas day, I offer you two choral settings of the medieval poem O Magnum Mysterium.  The first is by Tomas Luis de Victoria (huge .mp3), and the second by the American composer Morten Lauridsen (even huger .mp3).

And to make this post even more multimedia, here's a 14th-century nativity from an anonymous Cologne painter:

Geburt_christi_1330

Peacekeeperettes Unman Swedish Lions

As a friend related last night to general amusement, the Swedish peacekeeping forces wear a patch that looks like this:

It shows a lion with a sword and an olive branch.  The lion is a traditional Swedish symbol of state authority.  But usually, it is potrayed with a clearly visible male member.  But the penis is, as they say, not pictured.  Female Swedish penis peace-keepers [that's enough -- ed.] threatened a lawsuit before the European Court of Human Rights, whereupon the Swedish military caved in (G) and ordered all lion penis patches changed.

The result is the patch you see above.  I've tried to find a picture of the patch before the penis-removal procedure, but have so far been unsuccessful.  Can anyone help me out here?  You realize, of course, that this search is being conducted in the name of science.   

Immanuel Kant: Wrong for America

[h/t Bouphonia]

Not to mention that if some guy carrying a nuclear weapon were to ask you where to find the White House, "Mr. Kant" would have you believe it was your duty to tell him the truth.  Wake up, America!

Travel Weekend Japanese Automata Blogging

Meditation Improves Concentration

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin have shown that meditation improves your concentration (.pdf).  The minds of us Westerners suffer from something called "attentional blink," which makes our minds to "blink" after perceiving some important fact, causing us to miss other pieces of information presented directly after it. 

Attentional blink can be operationalized and tested pretty effectively.  Heleen Slagter and her colleagues at the Center for Affective Neuroscience at the University of Wisconsin tested subjects before and after three months of training in Vipassana meditation, and found that their attentional blink was significantly reduced after they had begun meditating.  That is, they were able to concentrate more evenly, not in little spikes, and were therefore able to perceive and retain more information from their environment.

You may be asking yourself: "Is there a clear, accessible, jargon-free book that can explain Vipassana meditation?"  Why it just so happens that Bhante Henepola Gunaratana has written it.  It's called Mindfulness in Plain English.  The author is a Sri Lankan Buddhist monk who's also extensively trained in Western philosophy, and introduces beginners to Vipassana meditation in clear, lively prose.  No knowledge of Buddhism required, although if you become curious about it after meditating for a while, Bhante G. has got you covered there as well.

Praying about Milk

The things you can find on Amazon these days.  If you're thinking of buying a gallon (that's 3.785 liters) of Tuscan brand milk -- but aren't yet sure -- the 967 customer reviews of this milk on Amazon should help you reach a decision.  If you need to pray about it, please consult The Complete Idiot's Guide to Prayer.

Non-Prussian Virtues

From the front door of my local organic food-shop, a one-man operation run by Werner:

Works_sits_thinks

Where the Blondes Are

The Blonde Map of Europe, courtesy of Eupedia:

blond_hair_map1.jpg

Victory for the Teacher-Graders

About a year ago, a few young Germans set up an Internet forum, www.spickmich.de (G), that lets students anonymously rate their teachers. The ratings were divided into categories such as "good lessons," "knows his field," and "cool and funny."  Oh, and you could rate how "sexy" your teacher is, until some teachers complained. 

How did teachers react to the website?  According to one of the webmasters, not very accommodatingly:

"At one high school in Cologne, the principal allegedly threatened the students with 'consequences' if they put any grades on the site; at a school in Karlsruhe, a letter was distributed to the parents, with the request that they sign it, certifying that their children did not use the site.

The teachers' lobby groups also attacked the site.  The 'Philologists' Association' [the name of one German teacher lobby group] referred to Spickmich in the same sentence as mobbing-videos and porno-montages featuring teachers.  And the head of the German Teachers' Association, Josef Kraus, even said that students were not capable of judging teachers' quality.

But that's not all.  In Germany, people whose feelings are hurt when somebody says something rude about them in public can file a lawsuit on the grounds of "insult," among other legal theories.  A teacher who got low marks in the online forum did just that.  However, the Regional Court of Cologne just ruled (G) against the teacher on free-speech grounds.

As someone who actually is a teacher and presumably gets 'rated' by students all the time, I say 'Hooray for free speech!'

Where Manhole Covers Come From

Dickens by way of West Bengal, India,

A Bulgarian Souvenir Coaster...

...with a message.  But what is the message?

Bulgaria

Troubling Lack of Stoiber Mockery

You know, I'm a little disappointed with my readers.  As politely as I could, I asked them to use the Edmund Stoiber java application to put words in Ede's mouth, and even provided an example of my own to get the ball rolling.  My friends and I have been communicating with each other practically only through the Stoiberator for days now.  After finishing the post, I leaned back, confident my good-looking, highly intelligent readers would soon be flooding comments with pure Stoiberrific hilarity.

But what do I get?  Nada.  Nichts.  Now, I know it's a little complicated, since you have to actually create a greeting, send it to yourself in an email, and then copy and paste that link into a comment (which the Sueddeutsche doesn't TinyURL for you).  But I can assure you the Sueddeutsche won't use your email for spam. 

And isn't a little effort worth it to bask in the admiration of the web's savviest Anglo-Teutonic users?

Say it with Ede

Edmund 'Ede' Stoiber.  The mere name conjures up thousands of associations for Germans, and probably 1 or 2 for non-Germans, the first being that 'Stoiber' (remember to pronounce it "Shtoiber") is pretty fun to say. Sounds like a Yiddish insult.

Briefly put: He's a politician from Bavaria, a part of southern Germany where people are pretty conservative and talk with a funny accent. He's renowned for his many delightful verbal gaffes and his general dopiness.  It's not all his fault; like many Bavarian politicians, he's often forced to give speeches after drinking lots of beer, and sometimes while wearing funny costumes.  I think of him like Ronald Reagan, without quite as much optimism. 

He just stepped down as chairman of the Christian Social Union party.  In honor of his career, the Sueddeutsche newspaper has just created a java application that lets you put words in his mouthto make speeches (G)  Just drag and drop the phrases -- not too much attention to grammar, please -- and dazzle at Ede's eloquence!   

UPDATE: Here's my very own Ede Hoergruss, with lots of Denglish.  Add links to your own in comments, if the mood strikes you (you might want to TinyUrl them).  Non-German speakers are definitely encouraged to contribute.

Why Beautiful People are Intelligent

While doing some research on voter behavior, I came across the website of Satoshi Kanazawa, an evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics. Evolutionary psychologists study human behavior on a mass scale, tracking large samples of people across cultures.

They study questions such as the degree to which intelligence determines success, what sort of things men and women look for in their mates, whether monogamy is workable, why we discriminate on the basis of gender and race, and whether attractive people fare better than ugly ones. Evolutionary psychology is fascinating to some people, disturbing to other people, and both things at once to most.  Generally, the findings annihilate the comforting platitudes and improving slogans your parents or your religion may have taught you:

  • Your success in life will largely be determined by your intelligence, which, in turn, is strongly determined by your parents' genes and good nutrition.
  • Men prefer young, attractive women, while women prefer high-status, wealthy men.
  • All things considered, beautiful people (especially women) have it easy in life, because people like and trust them more and because they're generally smarter than ugly people.
  • Our basic disposition is to fear and distrust people of different races and ethnicities, especially if they are visually different from us.
  • Things that are essential to who 'you' are (tastes in clothing, books, and music; general disposition; political and religious opinions) are influenced by your genes much more than you might want to acknowledge.
  • In the absence of strong social taboos, lifelong monogamy is rare. As men age and increase in status and wealth, they will divorce their aging wives and marry younger women, who will be attracted to them because of their increasing status and wealth.  The older wives they divorce are unlikely to remarry.

Don't try to disprove these assertions by reference to some individual case of a long-lasting marriage or dumb, successful pop star. We're talking about general rules here. Even a roomful of 90-year-old smokers doesn't disprove the link between smoking and cancer.  And besides, for every counter-example, you can cite dozens of confirming examples, such as intelligent, high-status, wealthy, hideously ugly men discarding their aging wives and marrying beautiful young women. Men like Slavoj Zizek and Salman Rushdie.

Kanazawa appears frenetically productive, and tends to write short, punchy papers taking aim at one or another sacred cow.  They're all available online, and have catchy titles such as Why Beautiful People are More Intelligent (pdf):

From the evolutionary psychological perspective, there are theoretical reasons to expect that higher status men [who, by hypothesis and according to most studies, are more intelligent] and beautiful women marry each other. Buss’ (1994) extensive cross-cultural data on criteria of mate selection indicate that men in all cultures prefer physically attractive women as their mates, and women in all cultures prefer wealthy men of high status as their mates. There have also been experimental demonstrations that men prefer to mate with physically attractive women and women prefer to mate with socially dominant men.... Because not every man can marry a beautiful woman, and not every woman can marry a wealthy man of high status (even in polygynous societies), it is natural to assume that more desirable (i.e., higher-status) men will marry more desirable (i.e., beautiful) women. The process of assortative mating should unite higher-status men and physically attractive women in mateships.

or Teaching May Be Hazardous to Your Marriage (pdf):

Few occupations and professions afford greater opportunities to come in contact with women in their teenage years than teachers in secondary and postsecondary schools. These teachers experience the cumulative effect of exposure to young, attractive women who are at their peak reproductive value more acutely than people in most other occupations.... [M]ale teachers in secondary and postsecondary schools should be more dissatisfied with their mates than other people. If there are behavioral consequences to their dissatisfaction, then these male teachers should be more likely to be divorced or separated than others.... [S]imultaneously being male and being a secondary school teacher or college professor statistically significantly increases the likelihood of being currently divorced.

Yecch, My Balcony's Infected

Courtesy of the Sueddeutsche (G):

rathaus piercing

Take, Eat: This is My Cartilage

Sunday morning on my local public radio station, 10:00 to 11:00:

Church Service (G): St. Josef Parish Church in Belm. Sermon: The Rev. Friedhelm Fuest

Then five minutes of news.  Then:

Over Corpses: On the Harvesting and Use of Human Remains (G)

"Skin, bones, cartilage, tendons, corneas, heart-valves: Almost everything in a human corpse can be re-used..."  The documentary featured a trip to a coroner's lab in Hamburg, during which the bones of a dead woman were removed from her corpse. Accompanied by sawing, sucking sounds, and moist 'thuds'.

I found that five minutes was not quite enough time for this transition.

Calling San Diego Lawyers

Does the U.S. Navy barracks building in the center-left of this satellite photograph of San Diego remind you of anything? 

The U.S. Navy claim they were aware of the building's shape when it was finished in 1967, but thought nobody would ever pay attention to how it looked from above, since the navy base is in a no-fly zone.

Boy, were they wrong (G). Now, the Navy plans to spend $600,000 of my tax dollars to mask the shape of the building from above. Too bad this isn't happening in Germany. If it were, the original architect, like the architect of the Berlin Rail Station, could file suit against the changes to his original plans (G). Now that's one trial I'd like to see. [h/t - Bro.]

UPDATE: But before you Germans go bashing innocent American architects, guilty only of spending taxpayer millions to erect a gigantic Nazi symbol, look closer to home. That is, to the sign for the Observation Deck at the Nuremberg (yes, that Nuremberg) airport:

[courtesy of Riesenmaschine]

This is Already No Frivolous Post

[Note: Continuously updated with some suggestions from comments and a few edits]

I occasionally proofread texts written by non-native speakers. When I do, I make a note of the issues that come up the most frequently.

As a public service to my fabulous readers, and since we've been talking about Denglish lately, here's a list of some of the most common issues. (And yes, even highly-educated Germans who speak excellent English will still fall into these traps. English: So easy to master the basics, so tough get exactly right...)

  • Avoid "deviant/deviating." Some dictionaries give "deviating/deviant" as a translation for abweichend, but deviant/deviating are rarely used in English. Plus, "deviant" has a strongly negative connotation; i.e. “he is a sexual deviant” or “his deviant opinions got him banned from the website”. Use “different,” “differing,” “contrary” instead
  • Don't forget that you'll frequently need to negate with 'is'.  This is true especially when you're negating something specific, and always when you attach an adjective to the noun you're negating: "Lack of time is no sufficient excuse" becomes "Lack of time is not a sufficient excuse." "He is no good driver" is "He is not a good driver."
  • Argumentation is barely an English word, and 'argumentations' certainly not.  It's all 'an argument' or 'her arguments.'
  • Watch out for relative clauses. They are a real bitch for non-native speakers. Unlike in German, the comma is optional, and its presence or absence counts.

"The cars, which were parked outside the building, were damaged by the hail." [all the cars were parked outside/all were damaged]

"The cars which were parked outside the building were damaged by the hail." [some were parked outside, others not/those that were parked outside were damaged]

Misplaced commas can have serious consequences.  There have been lawsuits about them.  The following example shows why this might be:

"Crushed limbs, which present a threat to the vascular system, should be immediately amputated." [all present a threat/all should be amputated]

"Crushed limbs which present a threat to the vascular system should be immediately amputated." [some present a threat, some don't/the ones that do should be amputated]

  • Watch out for so-called 'tonal particles' like schon, doch, ja, beziehungsweise or bzw., etc.  These words can usually be left untranslated, or their meaning can be conveyed by sentence structure. Don't just automatically translate schon as "already."
  • Also, einerseits and andererseits usually don't need to be translated, the same goes for zunächst and sowie.
  • Shorten your sentences. English doesn't work like German, it doesn't have as many built-in signposts (verb conjugation, adjective and noun declination, three genders) to let readers know how the moving parts of sentences hang together. Any sentence over 20 words is likely to be difficult to read in English, so break it up without changing the meaning.  And no matter what you're doing, omit needless words.
  • Don't forget that the rules for constructing numbers change from language to language.  In American English, thousands are separated by a comma: "100,000.00" I learned this the hard way when I once tried to transfer "100.00" Euros from my European bank account to my American one. Since I naturally don't have one hundred thousand Euros to play around with (I'm a poor scholar, remember), amusing hi-jinks ensued.
  • Adverbs always take an -ly.
  • No "Firstly" or "Secondly", just "first" or "second."
  • If you're going to use the word insofar, which, regrettably, sometimes cannot be avoided, it must always be followed by "as" plus a qualifying phrase, e.g. “insofar as profits remain” or “insofar as the item is subject to tax”
  • The English word for kontrollieren is check or monitor, not control. Aktuell is currently or presently, not 'actual' or 'actually.' Eventuell is 'possibly' or 'maybe', not 'eventually.'
  • Bis doesn't have a universal, one-size-fits all equivalent in English. When you're talking about a deadline for future work, bis becomes "by" -- "I need this document by (not until) Friday." In all other contexts -- that is, when you are not assigning a deadline, or talking about assigning a deadline, bis is translated as until: "I will work on the report until I feel it's ready for publication."
  • The word "discriminate" is tricky. In English, unlike in German, it does not usually take a direct object ("You discriminated me!“). Instead, it always requires a prepositional phrase to make ts meaning clear. "Discriminate/Discrimination against" someone is evil and invidious and bad. "Discriminating between [two things] or among [several things], however, is not." 

Examples:   The law discriminated against immigrants. [bad, wrong, unfair, illegal]   

but, 

The human eye can discriminate [among] 4000 different separate colors. [among = many things, but you could also just say “discriminate [=tell apart] 4000 colors” just like in German, but without any pejorative connotation]   or

To understand Western art, you must be able to discriminate between Mannerist and Baroque styles. [between = two things]

  • Don't translate the two-verb German perfect indicative literally: "He had bought some milk." This construction is used in English only to indicate a very specific anterior time-sequence, that is, to describe something that happened in the past before something else happened in the past: "He had gone to the store to buy some milk, but he didn't find any."
  • Don't say "he took his fate into the own hands." Doesn't exist in English. Eigene in English is always, always translated with the help of a specific personal pronoun. "He took his fate into his own hands" or "She drove her own car to the hospital."

"He Didn't Drill at All"

Two young females with surreally white teeth, and the caption reads: "He didn't drill at all ... he only lasered!"

Er_hat_nicht_gebohrt_2

I don't know about you, but I don't need to see filth like this on my way to work. After all, I don't live in the Czech Republic* or Slovenia.

* Note: nostalgic reference to 'Czechoslovakia' deleted thanks to Volker's intervention (see comments).

"A Cake with an Ejection Seat"

That's the title of this article in Spiegel (apparently not available online).

It tells the story of Dani, a Serbian air-defense soldier who shot down an American F-117A stealth fighter. Dani says he always enjoyed playing around with computers, and one day discovered a small midification to the Serbs' ancient Soviet air-defense radar system that would make it possible to detect a stealth fighter. He suggested the change to the army brass.

In true Joseph Heller fashion, they told him to bugger off. But he tweaked his own unit's machines anyway , and lo and behold, became the only person ever to shoot down an F-117A (the pilot was later rescued). He was promoted, but transferred out of the air defense troops because he had modified the computer system without permission.

Now Dani has returned to civilian life. He lives in the town of Kovin, near Belgrade, and runs a bakery. His best-selling cake?

The F-117A special, naturally:

[h/t Mica]

"Time to Take Out the Eurotrash"

But before that, Homer sings '99 Luftballons':

[H/T Atlantic Review]

Announcing Hammel's Law®

I just typed "Veblen" (as in Thorstein) into a OneNote document, and no wavy red underline appeared. This gave rise to deep thoughts, which I now state in rule form:

If:

(a) you have a distinctive family name; and

(b) Microsoft applications do not warn of a possible misspelling when it is typed into a document; then

(c) you have achieved immortality.

I hereby coin Hammel's Law® , assuming nobody else has done so previously. (If someone else has, I'm sure I'll hear about it in comments.)

Afghanistani Idol

Or, to use the German title, Afghanistan's Looking for a Superstar. It's a lot like your high-school prom, but it has its own charm.  Finalists here. My personal favorite -- as if you couldn't guess -- Shirin Mah Nahal. Because she has backup dancers dressed in flowing traditional garb. [Hat-Tip: Public Bathroom Man!]

Crappy English as a Scientific Language

Over at Sign and Sight, Stephan Klein notes that the current wisdom in Germany is that conferences have to take place in English to really "matter," and makes a plea for academic conferences held in Germany to be held in German:

[W]ill we soon reach a point where we no longer can discuss the results of new research in German because we can't find the vocabulary? Society is threatening to split: On one side will be those who employ an elite language, and on the other, all those who miss out on the latest developments. So the issue of whether German remains a language for science is not merely a question of national pride. It has to do with something far more momentous: democracy.

Anyone who only encounters scientific research in a foreign language pays a heavy price, even if he is a master of the idiom. "We are dumber in English" – this was the conclusion that researchers came to in Sweden and the Netherlands, where children were introduced to English on their first day of school. Lectures in English are part of every subject, but nevertheless, the test results are about ten percent lower on average than in courses taught in the mother tongue. In English seminars, students ask and answer fewer questions; they give the overall impression of being somewhat more helpless. Neither students nor teachers are generally aware of the problem, because they all overestimate their expertise in English.

Well, I'm off on vacation tomorrow, but things will still be happening on the site, I promise!

Expats: Support the Internet Radio Equality Act!

SaveNetRadio.org

This is a message mostly for expats. Like many of those peculiar creatures, I sometimes get a hankering for things that I had no time for in my home country.

Things like country music. There were some country acts I liked, such as Waylon, Willie, and especially Waylon & Willie. But most of the time, I preferred angular jazz or tongue-in-cheek Britpop. When I crossed the Atlantic, however, a previously-hidden need for American roots music burgeoned within me. Whenever I wanted a fix, I went to Soma FM's awesome Boot Liquor internet radio channel, which dished up a solid mix of non-glossy, non-corporate roots music.

Now, a decision by the American Copyright Royalty Board will mean that the licensing fees for independent online radio stations like SomaFM are going to skyrocket. Briefly put, independent Internet broadcasters used to have to pay a percentage of their revenue for the license to broadcast music. The Board's decision changes the method of calculation to a flat per-song rate, which will result in much higher fees, driving many stations out of business. Satellite radio, oddly enough, was not affected by the decision and will go on paying the previous, affordable rates.  As one legal commentator writes:

The webcasters have an excellent point: Instead of increasing rates enough to properly compensate rights holders and encourage creation, the new rates are so unreasonably high that they are threatening the survival of an entire industry. Unless the new regulations are successfully repealed, the new rates will result in true perpetual "radio silence" for thousands of online radio stations - a loss for rights holders, distributors and consumers alike.

If you vote in the U.S., follow the link and consider writing a message to your local Senator or Congressman, asking them to support the Internet Radio Equality Act.  It would repeal the Board's decision and save net radio!

Miserable Lawyers, Part XXVII

It's true, I used to be a lawyer.  I recently changed by status to 'inactive,' a decision I made without a twinge of regret.

In countries like Germany, you begin studying law as an undergraduate, when you're around 19.  Very few 19-year-olds can make a rational, informed decision to become a lawyer.  That's why I always give my students a lecture on the hard, cold realities of the legal profession. The point is to try to alert some of the students to the fact that they don't have the talent or inclination for this job, before they waste 4 or 5 years of their lives.

The really unlucky ones find out that being a lawyer is not for everyone only after they've already passed all the tests and gotten all the certificates. (In Germany, this routinely lasts until students are in their early 30s.)  This delayed reaction, of course, leads to problem of miserable lawyers who hate their work.  Take it away, Toronto Globe and Mail:

Pity the lawyers?

"Law school is one of the [few] graduate degrees that make you more employable," writes Penelope Trunk, author of Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success. "Unfortunately, it makes you more employable in a profession where people are more unhappy. Law school rewards perfectionism, and perfectionism is a risk factor for depression. Lawyers have little control over their work and hours, because they are at the beck and call of clients, and many are constantly working with clients who have problems lawyers cannot solve. These two traits in a job - lack of control over workload and compromised ability to reach stated goals - are the two biggest causes for burnout in jobs."

[h/t - Ed Philp]

The Phenomenology of Getting Whacked

From the Toronto Globe and Mail:

This month, police in Palermo, Italy, discovered the lifeless body of Nicola Ingarao. The reputed leader of a Cosa Nostra clan had been shot repeatedly in the chest, reports The Guardian. "Detectives found to their astonishment that Ingarao had written a university philosophy exam the day before. He had sat at a desk in a room with dozens of other students as they grappled with the issues raised by the Italian idealist school. Pietro Di Giovanni, a professor at Palermo University, said Ingarao would has [sic] got an excellent result." The mobster had been inspired to study philosophy from the reading he had done during a nine-year prison sentence.

On Nearly Purchasing a Trabant

The New York Times visits a Trabant owners' rally in Germany:

“I’m not a typical complaining ossi, who always talks about how great everything was then,” Uta Pleissner said, using the colloquial term for East Germans. “But we treasured things in those days. The Trabant was a symbol: You had your family, you had a house, and you even had a car.”

Or at least a reasonable facsimile of one: With a body made of fiber-reinforced plastic, known as Duroplast, the Trabant really has more in common with a lawn mower than with a modern car. With its two-stroke engine, it accelerates from zero to 60 miles an hour in a leisurely 21 seconds.

...Moreover, unlike a Mercedes, the engine is so simple that virtually anyone can peer under the hood and make sense of it. Because East Germany produced only two main models of the Trabant over 30 years — more than three million cars in total — the parts are easy to find and interchangeable.

When I first came to Germany, saw one of these cars parked on the street with a "For Sale" sign, and decided to buy it.

Continue reading "On Nearly Purchasing a Trabant" »

Shutting Up the Yutzes

You can call Matt Taibbi delightfully irreverent, or just plain crass. Why not both? Here's a recent broadside about America's whiny, effete liberals. It was published in found in Adbusters magazine, which is a glossy, high-tech magazine which mocks and parodies American consumerism:

Thus, the people who are the public voice of American liberalism rarely have any real connection to the ordinary working people whose interests they putatively champion. They tend instead to be well-off, college-educated yuppies from California or the East Coast, and hard as they try to worry about food stamps or veterans’ rights or securing federal assistance for heating oil bills, they invariably gravitate instead to things that actually matter to them – like the slick Al Gore documentary on global warming, or the “All Things Considered” interview on NPR with the British author of Revolutionary Chinese Cookbook...

Bernie Sanders, the new Senator from Vermont and one of the few American politicians in history to have survived publicly admitting to being a socialist, agrees that this peculiar demographic schism is a fundamental problem for the American political opposition.

...

[A]nother dirty little secret of the left [is] the fact that, at least when it comes to per-capita income, those interminable right-wing criticisms about liberals being “elitists” are actually true. According to a 2004 Pew report, Americans who self-identify as liberals have an average annual income of $71,000 – the highest-grossing political category in America. They’re also the best-educated class, with over one in four being post-graduates.

...

But having rich college grads acting as the political representatives of the working class isn’t just bad politics. It’s also silly. And there’s probably no political movement in history that’s been sillier than the modern American left.

What makes the American left silly? Things that in a vacuum should be logical impossibilities are frighteningly common in lefty political scenes. The word “oppression” escaping, for any reason, the mouths of kids whose parents are paying 20 grand for them to go to private colleges. Academics in Priuses using the word “Amerika.” Ebonics, Fanetiks, and other such insane institutional manifestations of white guilt. Combat berets. Combat berets in conjunction with designer coffees. Combat berets in conjunction with designer coffees consumed at leisure in between conversational comparisons of America to Nazi Germany.

We all know where this stuff comes from. Anyone who’s ever been to a lefty political meeting knows the deal – the problem is the “spirit of inclusiveness” stretched to the limits of absurdity. The post-sixties dogma that everyone’s viewpoint is legitimate, everyone‘s choice about anything (lifestyle, gender, ethnicity, even class) is valid, that’s now so totally ingrained that at every single meeting, every time some yutz gets up and starts rambling about anything, no matter how ridiculous, no one ever tells him to shut the fuck up.

Trust me, Matt - that last point is a truly international phenomenon...

Meanwhile, at the World Corrosion Organization

At its General Assembly, held in Nashville, Tennessee, the World Corrosion Organization has just named Prof. Michael Schütze (G) its new President.

Schütze delivered his acceptance speech while wearing iridescent synthrene gloves and stroking a white Persian cat named Mephistopheles. He closed the four-hour address by loudly repeating "their puny weapons will crumble to useless dust in their very hands!!" to ecstatic applause. 

Shortly afterward, the session was closed to reporters for discussion of "sensitive organizational matters."

Street Furniture and the Church of Gott

Does anyone know what this piece of street furniture is? A cellphone has been artfully balanced on top of it to provide scale.

Street_furniture

Can this be a set of now-abandoned undeground tubes and pipes that once carried both "fire" and telegraph cables? Sounds just right for a climactic spy-film shootout, but I guess you'd need some really thin spies.

On another note, it seems the spirit of former Texas Governor Miriam "Ma" Ferguson ("If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it ought to be good enough for the children of Texas") is alive and well in Germany:

Bible_kirche_duesseldorf

Lell'd for Rom in half-English

From Words Without Borders, the website for international literature, a poem in a language you don't often encounter:

The Dui Chalor

Dui Romany Chals were bitcheney,
Bitcheney pawdle the bori pawnee.
Plato for kawring,
Lasho for choring
The putsi of a bori rawnee.

And when they well'd to the wafu tem,
The tem that's pawdle the bori pawnee,
Plato was nasho
Sig, but Lasho
Was lell'd for rom by a bori rawnee.

You cam to jin who that rawnie was,
'Twas the rawnie from whom he chor'd the putsee:
The Chal had a black
Chohauniskie yack,
And she slomm'd him pawdle the bori pawnee.

To see an English translation, go here.

Fashion from the Social Burning Point

Anyone who knows me knows I love the German word sozialer Brennpunkt, which you could translate as "problem neighborhood." Could. But, as usual, the literal translation is much better: "social burning point." No, it's not something penicillin will cure, it's a neighborhood with social problems: unemployment, alcoholism, unintegrated foreigners, right-wing gangs, or some combination of these factors.

The Ruetli School (G) is located in the social burning point of Neukölln (G), Berlin. Now, I once stayed in a friend's apartment in this social burning point for 2 weeks, found it perfectly nice and wondered what all the fuss was about. But a social burning point it is, and the students at the Ruetli Ruetlischool were making news for all the wrong reasons. They were threatening their teachers, beating each other senseless, failing to learn proper German, and generally being little b*&tards. Their teachers wrote a letter of desperation (G) which got sent to the press and received wide attention.

Like any piece of bad news in Germany, this provoked a storm of press coverage and commentary: about 25% thoughtful, 45% hysterical finger-pointing, 28% predictions of imminent doom for Germany/the world, and 2% Other (unhinged tirades about headscarves, calls for the return of fascism/communism provocative theories about the composition of the Van Allen belt).

It also prompted an influx of well-meaning professionals, to help the students adjust to German society and improve their image. One of the projects is Ruetli-Wear, clothes designed by the troubled teens themselves. Not only are the students "re-branding" their school, they're also learning about practical things such as keeping accounts, designing clothes, and covering printing costs.

All profits go to the project. Won't you go buy some Ruetli-wear, and spread some soothing ointment on this social burning point?

Americans with Odd German Names

The largest ethnic group in the U.S. is Germans. However, they all came to the U.S. generations ago, and have since completely assimilated, to the extent that many don't even know they're German.

The country teems with Knapps, Schroeders, Schneiders (sometimes Anglicized to Snyder or Snider), among others. This website lets you check the geographic distribution of names all over the U.S.; you can see how common Schneiders are, for instance.

And that's just the Anglo-Saxons. There are also plenty of Jews, many of whom carry decorative names they received in Europe in the 18th and 19th centuries: Himmelfarb, Rosenthal, Goldberg, Weinstein, Goldstein, etc. They tend to stick to the coasts, as this map 'o the Weinsteins shows you.

But my topic today is ordinary Americans with strange or enchanting (apparently) German surnames. A few examples:

That's all I can think of off the top of my head (which is all you get in a blog), but I'll try to add more as time permits.

UPDATES:

  • Susan Ficken notes in comments that she's not quite a professor yet.
  • How could I possibly have forgotten Charles Krauthammer?! The name is so expressive, especially of his approach to foreign policy, on which he has plenty of modest, well-thought out opinions that have helped the Bush Administration usher in the era of peace and stability we're now enjoying.
  • For non-German speakers, I should say that some of these names could be translated in amusing ways. We'll leave Susan to one side for a moment, and concentrate on Sinnreich, which I'll translate as 'Kingdom of the Senses,' and Roehrkasse, which could mean 'pipe-cash register.'

Mow Down The Afro-Americans, Karlheinz

Some German army instructor needs to pump his troops up during live-ammunition practice. He's caught on video telling them to imagine "Afroamerikaner" in the Bronx jumping out of a van and screaming insults at their mother durng target practice. It's caused a minor stir both in Germany and abroad. Follow the link to see the video. I love the strategic use of the word "motherfucker" (in English, of course) as an "open fire" command.

Note the German officer's use of the word "Afroamerikaner" to describe the black people jumping out of the "black van." He's using black people as hypothetical targets, but still shows enough sensitivity to refer to them in the most politically correct way available in the German language.

Perhaps this is a sign the edifying public-enlightenment efforts of "Afroamerikaner" Dave Chappelle are having an impact even across the Atlantic:

A Bleg and a Plaque

Hello all. Back from Brussels, many thanks to Ed P. for the National Socalist tax history. At least, I think thanks are in order. Ever since I read the post, I can't get out of my mind the image of an enthusiastic National Socialist accountant. Did they wear brown eyeshades?

Now to new stuff. First, a bleg (blog-beg). Take a look at this photo, which I took at an ordinary train station in Duesseldorf. Can anyone tell me who the bald, puzzled-looking man in the pink shirt is? I see similar graffiti all over, which makes me think it must have some distinct meaning. Any help would be appreciated.

Germany_graffiti_near_bilk_station

Now, a plaque. While in Brussels, I paid a visit to the Grand Place, the big town square with lot of purty buildings. Every night in the summer there's a light-show set to rather cheesy Euro-trash instrumentals (think Vangelis). OIff in one corner, set into the side of a building housing a restaurant called La Cygne ("The Swan"), there's a small plaque -- which every Asian tourist seems to know about -- with an interesting inscription:

Marx_plaque_closeup

Apparently, he wrote "The Communist Manifesto" in this restaurant's fetid confines. A German friend assures me that a visit to the Marx House in Trier is on the agenda of almost all Chinese package tourists.

Rebecca West on Education

A while back, I read the Paris Reviews interviews of modern writers. Here's the 90-year-old Rebecca West on her education:

We had large classes,