German Joys

La Piece de Resistance: House Maid Sandwich

My brother found this at a restaurant in the south of France, whose English translations are right out of a surrealist play (check out the English translation of entry #2):

And now, la piece...:

Entartetes Deutsch

Since I surf the web from a German IP address, I routinely see banner ads for visa firms headlined "Leben Sie in den USA!" and from software firms that want me to download an "in zwei Minuten zu konfigurierende Leitungsverbesserung" (no, not Leistung, Leitung, I double-checked).  It's not Chinglish, suppose, but it's still mildly amusing.

Fake German Pronunciation of English Words

Following up on the quote of the day: Sometimes I have to pronounce English words while speaking in German, to a German.  This can happen when I order a "Singapore Sling" in a bar, or talk about a "public viewing" of a soccer game football match.  Or, when driven to extremes by late-night hunger, and the only place open is a Subway shop, which offers "Turkey Breast" or "Italian B.M.T." sandwiches.  To make myself understood, I have to pronounce these English words with a fake German accent.  Otherwise, I get blank looks.  It's creepy, I tell you.  Even creepier is having to pronounce my last name -- which is a German word -- the way Germans would pronounce it, instead of pronouncing it in the flat, nasal American way I learned it.

Maybe you can file this under 'experiences native English speakers should have more often.'

AEISEC iz gud pogrom

Look at the bright, shiny poster!

The poster is for AEISEC, an international student-exchange program that I'd never heard of before I came to Europe.  Perhaps it's a wonderful program, I have no idea.  And I'm sure Ryan is a nice guy who is quite capable of speaking proper English. 

But if ever a promotional poster for a student-exchange program -- a poster that bears the logo of no fewer than seven multinational corporations -- deserved to be covered in snark, it's this one.  Let me start:

1. Congratulations to Ryan, who got a job with the "government" working on unspecified "cultural" activities.  European students dream of these jobs.  Unless that's just code for "getting sozzled in Budapest bars."  But wait, European students dream of that, too!
2. Judging by this poster, Ryan's time in Hungary had its tragic aspects: it apparently crippled his ability to conjugate English verbs, and even spell his own home country correctly.
3. Congratulations on your admission to the German language, "experience"!  You have been assigned the gender: feminine.  Your orientation packet can be collected at the registration desk.  I think you'll find your time in German to be a wonderful Erfahrung.

It's called "proofreading," AEISEC.  Develop the habit now -- after all, places like PriceWaterhouseCoopers and Ernst & Young will expect you to do it to every memo you write for them.

For Calculus-Haters

So, like all red-blooded cat owners, I'm checking icanhascheezburger.com for an update, and see this:

It's an OK Lolcat, but I've seen better (here and here, for instance).  Haven't we all known cats who love to -- wait a minute, what's that on the sink?  Laufen?  That's German.  Teh odd Inturnets subkulcher of Lolcats have reeched Jurmminy?!!1! 

Hmm.  The English Wikipedia entry has yet to be translated into German (Hungarian and Spanish are covered, though).  To verify that this was in fact a German Lolcat picture, I looked up the brand "tofix" on the bottle in the background.  It's an Austrian firm that specializes in toilet cleaners.  Their German-language website is here. 

Whenever I see a website like Tofix's -- nice, but not too sophisticated, pretty 2002-looking -- I always look for a little Union Jack picture, for the English-language version.  A big company will hire professional translators for their fancy, Java-encrusted websites, leading to disappointingly competent translations.  But a smaller firm like Tofix will usually hire Ute, the quality control supervisor's wife, who spent 3 years studying education in New Zealand.  And indeed, that's what we have at the English-language website of Tofix/Rorax enterprises.  Here's their mission statement:

Tofix has been the specialist for cleaning and hygiene in bathrooms and toilets. It offers powerful products appropriate for all cleaning requirements. It combats limescale and urinary calculus and is safe to use. The Tofix product range represents powerful cleaning and perfect cleanliness within no time.

In fact, they have a product called WC Urinary Calculus Remover that does nothing but remove urinary calculus.*

And, I say, not a moment too soon!

* I have some sympathy for the translator.  The word Ute was trying to translate, Urinstein, doesn't even exist in English.  There's no official entry for it on dict.leo.org, you are instead sent to a discussion forum containing the suggestions "urine scale" and "urinal cake" (which is clearly wrong).   Now "urine scale" is pretty close, but really, how often do you hear that?  I doubt a company in squeamish Anglo-Saxonia would put the word "urine" on the front of a toilet-cleaning product.  Not so in Germany.  We see here the renowned Central European earthiness at work.  In fact, you can buy a special stain remover (g) that promises to remove "blood," "sperm"and "pus" from your clothes.  Something for the serial killer on your gift list!

Denglish from Berlin and Duesseldorf

From Duesseldorf (they came this close):

I might also note that I visited the "Acne Jeans" (g) store in Berlin.  Though it's a Swedish clothing line, so I suppose it's really Swenglish...

Frankfurt the Winsome

In Frankfurt over the weekend. I bring you a photograph of a wig shop:

I know, mocking wig shops is like shooting fish in a barrel, but have you ever seen winsomer male mannequins?

And now, from an Asian food store, more evidence of the latest trend in international marketing, which I call: 'Would you like a little COCK with that?'

We took a short trip to Wiesbaden to see some photos of everyday life in Afghanistan by Ebrahim Afsah at the gallery Kunst am Kranzplatz (recommended).  On the way back, I spotted this T-shirt at an urban streetwear shop. (Yes, it was in Wiesbaden):

A note to my readers.  Ordinarily, I would prize this as a deeply moving example of Denglish.  And, in fact, it's the best kind of attempted English -- a string of unrelated but vaguely hip-sounding phrases which evoke the Spirit of American Freedom™.  The Japanese, of course, are undisputed world champions here.

However, given how fancy-pants this little gallery was (lots of nudge-wink references to Star Wars), I cannot rule out that this T-shirt represents fancy-pants Germans knowingly mocking their countrymen's attempts at English.  Which strikes me as not sporting.

But really, who am I to judge?

Dispose of Questions Here

From the website of the Swiss firm Cobianchi, maker of quality elevator parts:

We like to be your complete disposal for any further questions.

[h/t Ed P.]

"What a Sex!"

Here's a slideshow of (discreet) nude photographs of Marlilyn Monroe, presented to us by the Sueddeutsche Zeitung under the "English" headline "What a Sex!"

I'll be at an academic conference the next few days, so light blogging.  But, in the meantime, an amusing/depressing portrait of German academic feudalism can be found here (G) [h/t Frankie].

Thought About Your End Lately?

As we know, Germans refer to a television show or movie with an upbeat ending as "Happy End," as in Ein familienfreundlicher Film mit Happy End! 

That's the good feelin' the makers of this consumer product are trying to evoke:

Yes, it's toilet paper. As Homer Simpson might say, it works on so many levels!

[photographed on-location in a bathroom in Frankfurt, Germany]

Maybe The German Language Council Got to Them

The owners of the Chinese place that opened in my street a few days ago seems to have received a language lesson yesterday:

I'd like to think it was the kindly ministrations of German Joys that prompted the 'correction' (if you want to call it that), but then again, I only get a measly thousand hits a day...

Eat Me, You Worthless Bastard

Over at Riesenmaschine, Holm Friebe has beat me (G) to the mockery of the new Burger King "Angry Whopper" with "Angry Onions" and "Angry Jalapenos."

We can all puzzle over what Burger King is trying to achieve here. My guess is it's some sort of attempt to draw attention to the burger's spiciness. What makes it especially mystifying is that the phrase "Angry Onions" in German is even more amusing than its English counterpart: Zornige Zwiebeln.

The Turbo-Youth like...

...homosexual activity.  Spotted recently in Duesseldorf:

Even the graffiti artists have mastered Advanced Denglish -- the ability to say things in grammatically correct English which no native speaker would ever say.

"Do You Feeling Alright?!"

\

I can't figure out if this is real Denglish, or contrived, "I know it's wrong, I just think it sounds cool" Denglish. But I like it.

I also like the name Gwildis. Sounds vaguely Austrian -- they seem to have more odd consonant combinations than Germans. 

Also, according to his website, he seems to be a pretty entertaining live act.

And finally, in the picture for the album cover what the hell is he holding? An inverted pomegranate? A grossly oversized hand-knit Christmas ornament? Some sort of Austrian folk emblem?

 

Another Free Service from German Joys

If you're a small business owner in Germany, you may be thinking of spending hundreds of Euros on a sign or brochure to advertise your business. You probably want to give your establishment an English name, since English says "sophisticated" to Germans; just as French says "distingué" to Americans.  Now, if you ask me, I would say give your establishment a German name. It's a nice language you have here, why not use it? Plus, it's just more völkisch that way, if you know what I mean.

But if you do insist on English, why not have your idea checked by a native speaker? After all, your last formal English lesson might have been two decades ago, when you were 17. And once you hire that sign-painter or print a thousands brochures, there's no going back. You'll be stuck with "Schmidt Logistic Services - the Partner of your Trust!" or "Hahn Maintenance of Buildings" forever.

Therefore, I offer my services, as a certified native English speaker. I will review your suggested business name or advertising slogan and, using my native-speaker magic, give it that touch of class. That certain little je ne sais quoi, if you will. I'm happy to report that I've already had one customer -- a bar in the University area of Cologne. I think you'll agree that together, we were able to create something very special. Jump to see the result!

Point of Food

What's the point of food? Perhaps you can visit the homepage of the German catering company Point of Food ("Foodservice mit System") to find out.

After that, I'd suggest a visit to the Convention Center in Essen, Germany, also known as the "Place of Events." 

A Fresh, Steaming Cup of Pure Lust

Most German students are required to take years of English in school. This is unfortunate, in that they grow up to put fewer amusingly odd English inscriptions on their consumer products.

Nevertheless, that didn't stop the Teekanne company from coming out with 'Pure Lust' tea . The secret ingredients? "Strawberry -- Rhubarb -- Cream Flavor." Yes, rhubarb.

The Teekanne corporation has a website, and yes, you should visit it to enjoy the soothing music and to learn what Steffi Graf's "favorite teas" are.

It's a little eerie, since Steffi apparently not only drinks teas because they taste good, but also somehow uses teas so that she herself "can determine how [she] feels." Her favorites all have names like 'Get energy,' 'Inner Peace,' 'Simply lovely' ("aids in purification and inner cleansing").

'Pure Lust" is not among them.

UPDATE: I've been getting grief in the comments for making fun of 'Pure Lust' tea. Yes, the posters are right -- this is not a queer-sounding attempt to use English (as is the Essen Conference Center's eerily phenomenological slogan "Place of Events").

As the commenters correctly note, "Pure Lust" is actually perfectly fine German and is meant to be read as German. It just happens to be identical to an English phrase that nobody in their right mind would ever associated with tea. There's probably a literary term for this, but I don't know what it is.

'Dengrish' is here to be interpreted broadly as any use of German or English that leads to amusement because of the differences between the two languages. You may not like that definition, but it works for me, and it's my blog.

I hope that answers your questions!