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Gardening with Genitals: Turgid, Seed-filled, and...Ripening

Remind you of something?

With their customary frankness, the Germans see no need to beat around the bush (so to speak), when it comes to the human naughty bits.* Thus we find Germany's biggest teen magazine, Bravo, hosting a feature called 'Every Vulva is Different!' (g)** on its website. Yes, there's even a 'Vulva Gallery'. Hours of fun for vulva fans!

Yea, this frankness extends even unto their vegetable gardens. Certain garden plants are somewhat suggestive in appearance, and the Germans call 'em like they see 'em. Thus, in this frilly lemon-scented gardening website called Gabi's Summer-Meadow (g), we see explicit descriptions -- and even shocking photographs -- of such things as the "condom chili", which is described as "a juicy[!], spicy fruit, very interesting [!!], ripens from green to orange-red." This is quickly followed by the "Black Penis-pepper" (pictured), which is described as a "black-purple[!], spicy fruit[!!], which ripens from green to black-purple to orange to red."

Ouch!

* In case you're curious, I have been completely Teutonized in this respect -- and not just because I like looking at vulvas! After a predictable transition period of Anglo-Saxon squeamishness, I find the non-fussy, practical attitude Germans have about the human body healthy and refreshing. Americans, by contrast, treat genitals like mighty deities who will strike them dead if they're called by their real name. A strange land in which millions of apparent adults flush and squirm at the most glancing reference to the realities of sex, yet the most lavish perversions flourish. And, of course, are punishable by stiff prison sentences.

** Upon reading this, I immediately began composing a little ditty in my head called: 'Every Vulva's Different', to be sung to the tune of 'Every Sperm is Sacred'. I've even got a great idea for a video. Oh yes, indeed I do!

Comments

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irrigation systems

i agree with cohu that Americans are really strange regarding nudity.awesome post.

Norbert

This is not just an issue of being squeamish or not. Neither is there such an old-fashioned concept as an America vs. Europe cultural divide anymore. This is a worldwide political
struggle.

M. Möhling

> Tellingly, every vulva in Germany is apparently *white*.
> I once found a copy of Bravo in the tram (I swear!) and
> it was the same idea but with a big fold-out spread on
> penises. They were all white too.

Michele, we definitely need to multiculturalise Teutonic landed cuntry; let a thousand twats blossom, pronto. I'm particularly on edge for multidenominational muffs and-- hey!--Muslim veiled vags. Because, dammit, we don't want no anti-pious bigotry in here.

As for dicks, gender mainstreamlining is the obvious task at hand. I'm not yet sure about best practices, but their oughta be a law anyway. Goes for dickheads, too. And dickheadettes, of course. Dang, make that dickpersons. What can I say--it's hard to teach an old dog new pricks.

cohu

I'm still not so sure about the language aspect. But I readily admit that Americans are really strange regarding nudity. An American friend insisted I must be pulling his leg when I told him I have gone to a mixed, public Sauna without a bathing suit OR a towel, aka naked. I could not convince him that I wasn't joking. And he's from Washington DC which is not, after all, Idaho!

Naked sunbathing seems to be on the decline, though. I pass by the famous "Nackerten" in the Englischer Garten quite often, and there are hardly any young people there anymore, only old Hippies. I've also noticed that younger women (below 25) refuse to go naked in the Sauna or even in the communal ladies' showers at the pool (unthought of in my age group). An unfortunate development for everyone involved!

Alexandra

@cohu: That has nothing to do with squeamishness but is because German swearing culture centres around feces, not around sex.

Andrew

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, Cohu.

Here are a few examples of things you'll see all over Germany that you won't find all over the U.S.: officially sanctioned nude beaches at which children frolic and play, mixed all-nude saunas (or even same-sex ones), teen magazines -- or any magazines at all -- with pictures of minors' exposed genitals, topless women in mainstream TV shows (such as Tatort) broadcast at 'family-friendly' times, page 1 girls, topless or nude sunbathing in public parks. I could go on.

Outside of certain parts of America's coastal enclaves, these things are, at the minimum, frowned upon, and at the maximum, would be criminally punishable.

cohu

Your examples don't seem very typical to me. Every German housewife I know would blush or giggle about the "Penischili". And I doubt the majority of Germans even know what "Vulva" means...
Are the Anglo-Saxons really that much more squeamish? I mean, they call each other (AE)"dickheads" or (BE) "cunts", and that's on the level of friendly banter used in everyday language. Same with "bollocks". That's completely unheard of in Germany (male genitals are not used as swearwords at all, and "Fotze" is extremely demeaning, i.e. not used in normal colloquial language).

Michele

Tellingly, every vulva in Germany is apparently *white*. I once found a copy of Bravo in the tram (I swear!) and it was the same idea but with a big fold-out spread on penises. They were all white too. And I mean, showing 20 pics of mostly shaved and pierced mons doesn't really count as "vulvas", does it? (/rant) But I agree the concept is refreshing.

Onkel Mo

Curiously, I had the exakt same Monty Python song popping up in my head when I read that. :)

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