USA Today reports:
Churches, synagogues and other places that display holiday scenes are taking a high-tech approach to an old holiday tradition: theft. They're embedding Jesus figures, menorahs and Santa statues with global positioning system satellite tracking devices.
Scene: Deacon Bud and Minister Ray are traipsing through a dark forest on the 23rd of December. They've received a tip that figures stolen from their church's nativity scene are being stored in a deserted cabin, awaiting shipment to Qatar to be reprocessed into luxury toilet handles. Desperate to get the figures back before Christmas Eve, they've set out together, each one with a hand-held GPS tracking sensor.
One of the sensors begins beeping.
Bud: I've got baby Jesus at 12 o'clock.
Ray: Roger that. Me too.
Bud: Wait, now I've got Joseph directly behind us!
Ray: Wait...yep, there he is. Thank God we've found them. And there -- there's Mary due east.
[Both sensors begin beeping faster.]
Bud: Ray, wait a minute. Stop walking toward Jesus.
Ray: Uhh, why?
Bud: I got a funny feeling about this. Look at your display.
Ray: Hmm...that's odd -- they seem to be...
Bud: Holy hand grenades, they're moving.
Ray [voice trembling]: And they're coming straight at us.
Bud: Jesus, look how fast they're coming -- they'll be here in seconds!
Ray [nervously]: We should be hearing something. It's quiet...too quiet.
Bud [screaming]: Are you seeing what I'm seeing?! They're -- they're right on top of us!
Ray [also screaming, while turning rapidly in circles]: Jesus, Mary and Joseph -- but WHERE?!
[A loud thudding sound. Ray collapses.]
Bud: Ray, my God, what happened?
Ray: Gorgle! Mrh! I'm hit. Save...yourself...Bud! Tell...my...wife...love her, and (gasp) RUN!!
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